Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou
by SubZeroGreymon
Summary: We all know the story. Kyon meets Haruhi, Haruhi forms club to find stuff, hijinx ensue. But what if other characters were involved? A girl trying to find supernatural stuff in a school that isn't normal... Haruhi Suzumiya/Zetsubou-Sensei Xover.
1. Chapter 1

_Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou_

_"The Despair of Haruhi Suzumiya"_

_CHAPTER 1: How it all began_

A long time ago, I wouldn't have believed in the existence of aliens, espers, or time travelers. I had lived a life that stomped on the possibility of extraterrestrial life, shouted down the idea of ESP, and ignored the possibility of time travel. Those were the days.

And they're behind me now. My name is Kyon. Well, my nickname at any rate, but that isn't really important. My job here is to explain my entire situation from the very beginning. And it all started on the way to school…

It was a nice day, sometime during September. I was walking to my new school, when I encountered another student.

"Hi, my name's Kafuka Fuura. What's yours?" the student asked me. Her short, black hair sat atop a face that held every ounce of innocence. It was obvious that she viewed everything in a positive light. So innocent, I'd hate to see her crushed by an inherently cruel world.

"Kyon," I simply responded.

"So, you're going to my new school, huh?" Kafuka noted, "I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other in days to come."

"Yeah," I noted the possibility.

Just then, I turned, and saw the most unusual thing…

A man in a kimono, hanging himself. This is not good.

"I did not see anything," I said to myself, "Nothing at all…"

"NO!" Kafuka threw herself at the body, snapping the rope that held it up, "Don't throw away your life!"

As body and girl landed on the ground, I began to wonder if the girl was all right.

"Speak to me!" Kafuka yelled.

"No use," I deadpanned, "I doubt that guy's still alive."

Almost instantly, the man shot up and glared at Kafuka with glasses-covered eyes.

"WHAT IF I DIED?!" The man yelled.

"… weren't you trying to do that five minutes ago?" I asked.

"… like it matters," the man said, removing the remnants of the rope from his neck, "I didn't die. Again. I'm so useless, I can't even take my own life properly."

"You wouldn't kill yourself," Kafuka said, "Not on a beautiful day like this."

"Then, what was he doing?" I asked.

"Trying to make himself taller," Kafuka responded.

"Eh?"

"My father often attempted to make himself taller on several occasions, and my mother tried it out once," Kafuka explained.

Images of her parents attempting to kill themselves flashed in my head. Then, I realized something. She was just acting innocent and carefree in order not to be affected by this cruel world. This girl needs professional help.

"But you seem tall enough," Kafuka noted to the man, "You just need to get good at jumping to get those baskets."

"I really was trying to kill myself," the man growled, "I've lived a life of despair and grief, and don't desire to life anymore. But yet, every time I attempt suicide, I wind up in situations where I live. I'm worthless to the world, and yet I still walk on the earth!"

"Well, you could consider improving your situations," I suggested, "After all, that's what life is all about, isn't it?"

Looking up, I noted the other half of the rope was attached to a brilliant Sakura tree.

"Unless, you're gunning for a noble death," I added. Looking at the trunk, I noticed a sign was attached.

PINK CEO

"Okay, forget what I said," I deadpanned.

"Since the tree you tried to use for your quest for height is called 'Pink CEO,'" Kafuka contemplated, "I'll refer to you as 'Pink Supervisor.'"

"… No," the man said, "Just… no."

"But he tried to help make you taller," Kafuka said.

The man ran off, yelling, "I REALLY WAS TRYING TO DIE!"

What a strange man.

"Yeah," Kafuka responded.

* * *

At school, I began to wonder. Was Kafuka really that innocent? Or was she trying to keep her own misery at bay? Oh, wait, I already figured that out.

"So, you're one of my fellow new students?" a girl said after she walked up to me. Looking up, I noted that her jet black hair was parted down the middle.

"Kyon," I said.

"Chiri Kitsu," The girl responded.

Just then, I heard the door open.

"Alright, students," a semi-familiar voice said, "Welcome to the first day of the rest of your pitiful lives."

Turning, I saw exactly where that voice came from.

"YOU?!" I shouted in surprise.

"Pink Supervisor!" Kafuka, who shot up from her seat.

Almost immediately, tiny whispers filled the room.

"Pink Supervisor?" "That is a very strange name." "That is so aibou." "Huh?" "It's either 'partner' or 'gay.' I dunno."

"Enough!" The man responded, "My name is not 'Pink Supervisor!'"

"I don't think anybody thought it was," one guy responded.

"Allow me to introduce myself," The man stated, "It is Nozomu Itoshiki."

As he stated his name, he wrote in the formal Japanese form. Vertical.

"As you can see, I have been cursed by this name's unlucky stroke number," Mr. Itoshiki noted, "Therefore, I have been in a lot of situations I didn't like. That's what I have to say about…"

Looking, he noticed – as did I – that Kafuka was writing the name horizontally, since stroke number only applied vertically. And what did it say?

"ZETSUBOU." Despair.

"So, you're not Pink Supervisor," Kafuka turned to Mr. Itoshiki, "You're Zetsubou-Sensei!"

"NO, I am NOT!" Mr. Itoshiki said, turning back to the class, "Well, we all know _**my**_ name. So, introduce yourselves and state one fact about yourself."

"I'm Kafuka Fuura," Kafuka introduced herself, "I happen to see the bright side of things."

As she ended, I decided to stand up.

"I'm…" I started, just as a truck passed by, "… but most people call me Kyon, thanks to my little sister."

Sitting down, I noticed a girl behind me stand up.

"I'm Haruhi Suzumiya," the girl began, "And I have no interest in normal humans. If anybody here is an alien, Esper, time-traveler, or interdimensional slider, we'll talk."

Little did I know those words would be the beginning of a horrid experience.

* * *

Hello, Readers, and welcome to my fanfiction, "Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou," a crossover between the popular anime, "Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu," and the not-exactly popular but humorous anime, "Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei." If I had bothered to put it up in the crossover section, people wouldn't find it so easily. And don't worry, I have no intent on copying any chapters from any other fanfictions with this story. It's all me, Baby! X3

Now, please be generous and review!


	2. Chapter 2

_Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou_

_"The Despair of Haruhi Suzumiya"_

_CHAPTER 2: SOS-Dan_

It was a week after our first class period with Zetsu- I mean, Itoshiki-Sensei, which was spent with a short rant about how the society of Japan set its standards too high. We had managed to get used to his ranting.

During a rant about society's fallpoints, I had decided to talk to Suzumiya-san myself.

"So, that whole thing about Aliens, Espers, and stuff," I said, "Was it all true?"

"Yes," Haruhi glared at me, "Are you an alien, esper, time traveller, slider, or other supernatural lifeform?"

"No," I said, "Why?"

"I have no interest in anything else," Haruhi deadpanned at me, "So, buzz off."

"If you don't have interest in anything other then your interests," Mr. Itoshiki interrupted her, "You're just going to fail."

"I didn't ask you," Haruhi growled at him.

"A society built upon letting your interests take you over is doomed to fall," Mr. Itoshiki said, "And besides, It would be a one in a million chance of finding them. There are billions of humans that live on this planet, and something like an alien would be an extremely uncommon thing. How would you go about locating one, especially since they'd most likely want to remain hidden?"

"Again, I didn't ask for your opinion, you emo!" Haruhi glared daggers at the teacher.

"I am just trying to set you straight, and you call me emo?!" Mr. Itoshiki responded.

Suddenly, all the lights stopped working, the shutters suddenly shut themselves. The only light that kept working glared into Mr. Itoshiki's face, as he looked left, right, and then up.

The lights came back on, the shutters reopened, and Mr. Itoshiki yelled, "I am in Despair!! A girl who allows the impossible to find her, only for it to never come has left me in Despair! ZETSUBOUSHITA!"

"If it makes you feel better," Kafuka-san said, "I like aliens, too."

Mr. Itoshiki glared on her, not really feeling that enthusiastic.

About a few minutes later, Haruhi shot up from her seat and yelled, "THAT'S IT!"

"What?" I said to myself.

"If Aliens and Espers won't come looking for me, I'll come looking for them!" Haruhi yelled enthusiastically, "Come with me, Kyon!"

"Wha..."

Before I had realized what was happening, I felt a gust of air rush through my hair, and Haruhi was running out of the classroom with me in tow.

"STOP! ARE YOU MAD!? CLASS DIDN'T EVEN END YET!"

It appeared that she did not hear me, or was just plain ignoring me. A huge grin was plastered on her face as she dashed me through the halls to God knows where.

The fact that I had ended up with this troublesome girl was more than enough for me to handle. Whatever deity that lived in the sky must have suddenly decided, 'Hey, that dude looks like he has a boring life, let's spice it up a little.'

I LIKED my boring life thank you very much, and I wanted it back.

These inner monologues of mine really need to stop, I have a seriously bad habit of talking to myself.

I opened my mouth to shout another complaint, but it appeared stopped. "Okay," she said, still with that goofy grin.

I looked at my surroundings, it appeared we had stopped in the stairwell, "And where are we exactly?" I asked.

"This is where I go to think."

"The stairwell?"

"That's beside the point. I'm going to make a club!"

"A club?"

"Yeah, and it'll be dedicated to finding the answers I need, which, as stated before, included things like aliens, espers, and time travelers. We need to get a clubroom."

A small protest rose in my throat. We? Since when had this involved the word we? Last time I checked I wasn't about to take part in the crazy schemes going through this girl's head, yet here I was...

In the stairwell...

"Fine," I said, "I'll help... "

* * *

Meanwhile, In the Classroom... (outside Kyon's POV)

"So," Chiri turned to her friend, Meru Otanashi, "What's Haruhi's problem?"

Meru whipped out her cell phone and texted to her, She's just plain dumb

"Yeah," Chiri replied, "I wonder what was going through her head?"

Who knows? She's obsessed with that supernatural crap.

"... of course, she going out to find that stuff!" Chiri jumped from her seat, "And she's doing it without proper permission! We've got to stop them!"

You don't mean...

"Yes," Chiri said, "We are organizing a proper investigation for Haruhi and her friend, Kyon."

... can I sit this one out, or...

"I would need help," Chiri responded.

Doesn't this class have an expert tracker? That girl who could always track down her ex-boyfriends?

"Matoi?" Chiri asked, "The crazy stalker girl?"

"STALKER?!" Kafuka interrupted them, "They don't exist! Matoi just happens to express her love with a very odd method. It's just Deep Love."

"Deep love?" Chiri responded.

"Right," Kafuka answered.

"Well, where is she, anyway?" Chiri asked.

"Well, last I checked, she was dealing with a break-up with her boyfriend, Takashi," Kafuka contemplated, "But she had a meeting with Sensei, earlier..."

"Like it matters," Chiri responded, "We're going to find Matio and have her help us find Haruhi and Kyon!"

Matoi.

"Whatever!"

Suddenly, the door opened. All three turned to see...

Matoi in a Kimono.

You see, Matoi changes her clothing to fit that of her current love interest. And the only one who wore a Kimono in the class is none other then Mr. Itoshiki himself.

Uh-oh.

* * *

"So, we'll be utilizing one of the unused rooms as our Club HQ," Haruhi explained to me, "This one seems deserted, last time I checked."

As she opened the door, I saw a black blob wrapped in a blanket. Lifting hair off of her face. the 'blob' revealed herself to be a girl.

"Uh... this room is taken," I noted.

"... yes, it is," Haruhi replied.

"Sorry for disturbing you," I said to the girl, "... what's your name, anyway?"

"Kiri Komori," the girl responded.

"Yeah, nice to meet you," Haruhi deadpanned before shutting the door, "There is another room that's rarely used."

Which would be...?

"Literary club room. The Literary club has only one member," Haruhi noted, "So it should be easy to take over."

As we walked to the room, I looked out the window. I noticed a girl outside, with schoolclothes from some other school - I think it was North High or something.

Just as quickly as I had spotted her, she vanished.

"As you probably would've guessed, the literary club was going to be shut down if no one joined," she explained to me, opening the door to a very blank room. In the center of the room sat a long table with a single chair, in that chair sat a lavender haired girl, with our school's uniform and a cardigan, about our age with glasses, flipping through the book in her hands quietly, "She was the one that joined."

"Yuki Nagato," said the girl quietly.

"And she's okay with this?"I asked sceptically.

"It's fine," said Yuki.

"But are you sure about this? You'll probably get booted out."

"Yes. But I'm willing to risk it."

I sighed heavily, obviously my last ditch effort had not succeeded in detering Haruhi's will. "Then it's decided!" she shouted, "This will be our club room, hold on a second, I'll be right back!"

She disappeared as quickly as we had entered, and not but a minute later she dragged in a very cute and very frightened looking red haired girl - who looked oddly familiar, "This will be our mascot!" she shouted joyfully, "I always go through the building on lunch breaks to find cute girls, and you just can't get any cuter than this!"

If you were a guy, you'd have a very sick mind, Haruhi Suzumiya.

"I don't know what's going on," said the girl timidly, looking around the room in fright. Her eyes landed on Nagato-san, and some of the fright vanished, "Oh, I see. Okay, then, I'll join your club." She spoke so quietly it was hard to hear what she said, and I instantly felt sorry for her, "I'm Asahina Mikuru."

"Great, now you drag her into this," I muttered.

She smirked and chuckled, as if I had made a joke, "She's not the only thing I've got. I've decided on a name for this club!"

Oh no.

Attention world!

The name for the secret club borrowing the literary room is about to be revealed!

"SOS Brigade!"

My stomach did a backflip, "S... O... S?"

"Save the World by Overloading it with Fun Suzumiya Haruhi's Brigade."

Please tell me she was joking.

Please tell me I would wake up any minute now to my little sister bouncing on my back.

My second week at high school, and my life had already been ruined.

Why did she drag me into this?  
**  
**Dammit. I've gotta stop this inner monologue.**  
**

* * *

**Oh noes! Haruhi forms the SOS Brigade, and what will Chiri think? Also, what will happen between Matoi and Nozomu? (If you watched Sayonara, Zetsubou-Sensei, you'd probably figure that out.)**

**And yes, Meru texts rather then emails in this fic. Makes a lot more sense with cell phones.**

**Now, Commence Reviewing!  
**


	3. Chapter 3

_Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou_

"The Despair of Haruhi Suzumiya"

CHAPTER 3: of Stalkers and Aliens

One week after the creation of the SOS Brigade, and a lot strange had happened, sure, but we had yet to encounter any aliens, time travelers, or espers. I mentioned that I enjoyed my life being boring, and that had not changed.

Why did it have to be me?

I tried to find the will to turn around in the hallway and leave the school, but my feet continued to carry me towards the clubroom. Haruhi had picked up various things laying around the school to liven up the room. A couple of shelves and filing cabinets adorned the right wall, and more chairs surrounded the long table, as well as a book shelf to the left. I frowned, Maybe Haruhi did think of other people. I turned my attention back to the table to see Nagato reading calmly as usual, no expression on her face. "Yo," I said calmly.

She looked up momentarily from her book and placed a finger on her glasses, pushing them up to the bridge of her nose, "Hello... Kyon."

Emotionless, this one.

I walked in and sat across from Nagato, resting my chin on the palm of my hand, "Watcha reading?" She held up the book he was reading. I could tell it was about robots and aliens just by looking at it. Perhaps that explained her current behavior. "Seems like something Haruhi would be interested in."

Nagato didn't respond. What was with her?

Mikuru Asahina timidly stepped into the room in a maid outfit. Now what I couldn't understand is how Haruhi got her to wear the damn thing. She walked in one day with the outfit and declared loudly that Asahina-san was to wear the outfit at all club meetings. For some odd reason... she had complied.

Oh well, another relatively dull day.  


* * *

The next day... (Outside Kyon's POV)

Nozomu Itoshiki walked to his job as a teacher. Unknown to him, there was someone else also on the way to the school... using him as a marker.

"Itoshiki-Sensei..." Matoi Tsunetsuki thought to herself, "Ever since he told me the ultimate pinnacle of love is death, I began to understand love itself. And when he claimed that he'd die with me anytime, I knew. I knew he loved me. That is why I follow him... always."

Translation; she misinterpreted a simple double-suicide offer as a confession of love, and started stalking him, ready for that moment.

Matoi then continued to follow behind her beloved Sensei... but she didn't know she was being followed as well.

"Matoi..." Takashi, Matoi's ex-boyfriend, thought to himself, "You were over me a while ago, and now HIM?! Why is it always the guys with the glasses?!"

Takashi then continued to follow her ex-girlfriend... unaware HE was being followed.

"Taka-kun..." Tanaguchi, a friend of Takashi, thought to himself, "Still can't let go of the past..."

Tanaguchi then followed his friend... unaware of HIS follower.

"Tanaguchi," Tsuruya, Tanaguchi's friend, thought to herself, "Where ya goin', nyoro?"  
_  
(Back in Kyon's POV)_

Oh great. First, Haruhi's club, now a chain stalk?

Can't I ever have a normal life?  


* * *

Apparently, God wouldn't be having it. Haruhi managed to swindle a computer from the Computer Club. How, I don't wanna know.

"Kyon, you get to set up our website!"

"Why me?"

"Because you do nothing but stand around in the club room, you need to help the SOS Brigade! You were there when I created it. If I were to die, you would have to take my place as Brigade Chief."

Maybe when pigs fly.

"Another phenomonan, the flying pig!"

Wait, did she just... Never mind.

Nagato-san stood and shut her book. She looked at me for a good long moment, "What?"

She set the book down on the table and looked back up at me, "I'm lending this to you," she said simply, emotionless as always, "Please... read it."

"Okay..."

Needless to say, I was surprised at what I found in the book, instead of Nagato-san's bookmark, it was a small folded piece of paper. When I opened it up I wasn't expecting what I found.

_Kyon,_

Meet me tonight at the nearby park. Second bench from the entrance.

Nagato.

Well, this is beginning to get somewhat interesting...  


* * *

"So, Nagato-san gave you a letter?" Itoshiki-sensei observed, "Saying to meet her at the nearby park?"

"Right," I replied.

"It's obvious that Nagato-san wants to tell you something secret," Itoshiki-sensei explained, "But if it is what I think it is, I recommend putting her down easy. Her lack of a social life would result in her being with you all the time. It's not a pleasant feeling. I would know."

On that note, I departed.

The park was quiet to say the least, and the sun was setting quickly. It was getting close to winter, so it was slightly chilly outside. I shivered lightly and pulled my arms together, trying to ignore the goosebumps that popped up on my skin.

"Kyon-san."

I turned to the emotionless voice and saw Nagato walking towards me, slowly yet deliberately. "Nagato-san," I said politely.

"I suppose you're wondering why we're here."

"So what did you want to tell me?" I asked curiously.

"I am a humanoid interface."

The fact that she said it like I should understand it made me uncomfortable, like it was simple as E=MC2, or x=ab.

Like it was a fact I should have come to on my own, "What your kind would call an alien."

"An alien?"

This was a surprising development. Haruhi would definately get a kick out of this.

She continued as if my confusion were simply a second handed matter. "The integrated thought entity controls me. Originally, when Earth was created, it held no interest to the Integrated Thought Entity, but with time humans evolved into a bipedal species capable of amounts of intelligence. The planet was observed for some time in the hopes of gathering new data, though humans never actually broke out of the autoevolution process. three years ago, an incident occured on this Earth, a fluctuation in data the likes of which has never been seen before."

Simply impossible.

Ridiculous.

"At the center of this incident was Haruhi Suzumiya. We began to observe her. Humans are never able to influence the data around them, the simple fact that Suzumiya-san is capable of this is a reason to observe her."

"So you're saying she is an evolutionary leap or something? That's ridiculous, how do you expect me to believe something like this?"

She continued, "For a reason unknown to the integrated thought entity, Suzumiya-san chose you."

"Chose... me?"

"It is unknown whether this will play a factor in future events," Nagato observed, "But your involvement is undeniable."

I didn't expect the quiet bookworm types were this crazy.

* * *

Read! Review! and Stuff like that!


	4. Chapter 4

_Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou_

"The Despair of Haruhi Suzumiya"

CHAPTER 4: Time is the fastest way to travel

What Nagato-san told me the night before was playing through my head over and over again. An alien. Not that I believed her or anything, but the simple fact that she told me such a thing was very surprising. It was a wonder that girl wasn't living with her parents, being as mentally unstable as she was.

I did my daily treck to the school up the steepest part of the hill. It had become such a part of my daily routine that it didn't even bother me anymore.

Besides, I had other things to worry about when it came to being bothered.

Huh? What the...

"Lemme go!"

"No! Don't!"

"Let me die!"

There goes Sensei, attempting to get on some railroad tracks. Please, let this dream end already.  


* * *

And now, for something completely different...  
**_  
ZETSUBOU FIGHT!_**

It is the plain of 65 million years ago, and a Kyonceratops is grazing.

"Why do I have horns on my head again?"

What is this coming over the horizon? A wild Haruhiraptor, accompanied by a Yukiraptor and Mikuraptasaur!

"... help?"

They surround the Kyonceratops, with ferocity unbound! But there is something else coming! A new dinosaur of unknown genus! Brachiosaurus? NO!

"Hi! I'm Koizumisaurus!"

"We gave a character not even introduced yet a dinosaur?!" Kyonceratops asked us.  


* * *

Meanwhile, in the Integrated Data Thought Entity...

"923, 924, 925..." A blue-haired man counted numerous pods, all labeled "Nagato Yuki" with a number, "934. Seems Yuki Nagato 934 is still on her mission."

"Really," A blue-haired girl replied, "So is Ryoko Asakura 934."

"Good to know," the man replied, "And likely, like most Ryokos, she'll try to kill Kyon, only to fail by Nagato's hand."

"Oh, it's the same with every Ryoko," the girl added, "Except you and me, of course."

"Ryoko 234," the man asked, "Is it possible to change her mind?"

"Not if she's like us," Ryoko 234 responded, "Ryou 345, We were the lucky ones."

"True," Ryou 345 replied, "But she's proven more intelligent then most others."

"It's not intelligence," Ryoko 234 turned to him, "It's common sense. Nobody of our model has it! I mean, one of us set up a resurrection program, but winded up a chibi!"

"I think she'll have other ideas," Ryou 345 smirked.  


* * *

Later, I was searching the city park with Asahina-san (Blame Haruhi), when a thought came to me:

"Asahina-san, what did Haruhi do to make you do this?"

She looked confused, but I plowed on, "There are plenty of good people out there for you," I said reassuringly, "This is a path you don't need to go down, no matter what that jerk says. Don't do it Asahina-san, do NOT taint your purity."

An awkward silence followed.

Was my advice really that bad?

It was then I noticed that the girl was the color of a freshly ripe cherry, "It's not that at all!"

It was unlike Asahina-san to shout, so naturally it was surprising to me. It was then that I realized my mistake. If I looked at myself in the mirror right now I'd probably be twice as red as the timid girl standing in front of me. Asahina looked away and frowned deeply, "It's something of extreme importance, recent events have taken place that require you to be informed."

Now she was talking strangely. She walked to a nearby bench and sat down, twiddling her thumbs. I hesitated, but followed, sitting down next to her without a word. It was a good minute before she workedup the courage to speak, "I don't belong here."

Everything was falling into place, what Nagato-san had said the other night came flooding back.

"I'm not supposed to be in this timeline," she said simply.

This had to be some kind of joke the brigade was pulling, right?

"I was sent here to look into a matter of grave importance. It appears that there is an anomoly surrounding Suzumiya-san."

Yet again, the eccentric and crazy high schooler was at the center of things.

"I guess you could call me a Time Traveller," she said softly. "Traversing time is not that difficult of a process, however, the risk that comes with it is substantial."

"So why were you sent here?" I asked.

"Strange things are happening around Suzumiya-san, it all started five years ago."

Again with the five years. What happened five years ago?

"I was sent to investigate these discrepancies, and I was surprised to find Nagato-san there as well. The fact that the Integrated Data Thought Entity takes any interest in Suzumiya-san at all was enough proof that he was the center of all this."

I frowned, "So she's a time-plane anomoly as well? What's my part in all this? Nagato-san said she 'chose' me and I still don't know why. I'm just a normal guy trying to grind his way through High School, there's nothing special about me, and until now there was nothing special about the people around me. Why am I here, talking to a supposed Time Traveller, when I should be at home studying... or dealing with my annoying little sister?"

She turned her head to face me, and with a gentle smile, she brought a finger to her mouth, "That's classified information."

God, she looked cute- STOP IT, Kyon, STOP it! Bad mind!  


* * *

"I can't believe you two didn't find anything, PENALTY!"

I frowned, "And what exactly did you and Nagato-san find."

Haruhi's face blanked, and then she turned around and found it time wise to stare at the bus stop, with a glare on her face probably, "That's besides the point, we're going to search extra hard tomorrow, and we'll find something, I'm sure of it!"

She stormed off in the other direction, and I walked up to Nagato-san. Her attention was focused on the retreating Haruhi, but when I tugged her sleeve lightly, she turned to look at me, "Yes?"

"About the other night," I said, "I think I'm starting to believe you."  


* * *

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	5. Chapter 5

_Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou_

"The Despair of Haruhi Suzumiya"

CHAPTER 5: of Personalities and Espers

It was another boring day. But this time, something would happen that shocked the class...

"We're getting two new students?!" Kafuka yelled in surprise.

"I can't believe it!" A girl who was covered in bandages, Abiru, I think her name was, added.

"New students!" another girl, Tarou Maria Sekiutsu as I remember, cheered.

((Like they matter!)) Meru texted.

"All right, students," Mr. Itoshiki said, calming us down, "It should be noted that these students are returnees from America, so they might not be used to our culture just yet. So, remain nice to them, or they might start splitting hairs."

That's when... THEY came in.

One was a young girl with brilliant blonde hair and crystal-blue eyes. The other a young man with sandy brown hair.

"Hello. My name is Kaere Kimura," the girl introduced herself, "I hope we have a pleasant time."

"And I'm Itsuki Koizumi," the boy introduced himself, "It's nice to meet you all."

He says 'you all' while staring at me of course. Can he even see when his eyes are squinted like that?

"I have to depart," Mr. Itoshiki said, "But feel free to get to know the new students."

The door slammed behind Haruhi.

I had an extremely bad feeling about this.

"Kyon, right?" asked Itsuki, still with that plastic smile.

"Yeah," I said uneasily.

He walked to me and leaned down, holding out his hand for me to shake.

Your face is way too close.

Nevertheless, I shoke his hand and frowned, "Meet me out in the courtyard of the school in twenty minutes, we have certain things that need to be discussed."

Now I had a really bad feeling about this.  


* * *

The courtyard was completely empty, save for the single soul that sat on a table under the shade of one of the trees, sipping from a cup with a straw. I made my way over to Koizumi and sat down. There was a drink in the center of the table besides the one that he was holding, he pushed it towards me, passing it as an offer. I debated on whether or not to trust his intentions before simply shrugging and taking the cup. I sipped from it.

Hmmm...

Coffee.

"There's a reason I called you out here."

Nah, really?

Koizumi leaned over the table, and I made it a point to scoot back slightly, trying to avoid his stare. This was awkward. "It's about Suzumiya-san."

This again?

He sighed deeply and paused before continuing. "I suppose I might as well just get to the point. I am what you'd call an ESPer."

I bit my tongue at the irony of this situation. Aliens, Time Travellers, and ESPers, three of the things related to what Haruhi was looking for were under the school's roof, and she didn't even know it.

That is, of course, if all three were telling the truth.

"You see, Suzumiya-san is special, in a sense. Three years ago, as our intelligence suggests, her father disappeared from unknown circumstances, leaving a notebook for Haruhi. The moment she touched it, she somehow gained the ability to alter her surroundings, like a god of sorts. She became our focus ever since."

"So, she's somehow both a step in evolution, a time anomaly, and God at the same time."

"I guess you can say that."

"So what's my part in all this?" Perhaps I could get a straight answer out of this one.

"We're not sure."

Or maybe not.

"Okay, if you're an ESPer, then prove it." I set my cup down and glared at him, "Reheat this cup of coffee."

"I can't do that," he said simply, "You see, in order for us to use our powers certain conditions have to be met. However, I believe these conditions will be met soon." He stood from her seat and smiled that same plastic smile, "Until then, you'll just have to take my word for it, Kyon."

As he walked away my brain was reeling from had had happened over the past few days. Strange occurances were popping up everywhere. Even if they weren't telling the truth, what were the odds of getting three crazy people under one roof? Not exactly astronomical that's for sure. Maybe I should have gone to see a shrink, but then again, that probably wouldn't have helped.

Haruhi Suzumiya, what have you gotten me into?  


* * *

Meanwhile...

"I cannot believe this!" Kaere stated, "You believe that I am either an alien, time traveler, or an ESPer?"

"Yeah," Haruhi replied.

"First of all, I don't have any alien appendages. Second, I have no trouble with today's technology. Third, I can't bend a spoon with my mind. So, therefore, I am a regular human."

"... You are so lame."

"Lame?! **_I'LL SUE!!!!!!!!_**"  


* * *

Yeah, that's the end of the actual introduction story. From here, this story will not only act as a re-enactment of Haruhi's adventures, it'll parody other franchises. Death Note, Persona, Lucky Star, Godzilla...

... It's all fair game, now!

Read and Review, people!


	6. Chapter 6

_Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou_

"The Despair of Haruhi Suzumiya"

CHAPTER 6: Card Games and Despair

"Harumi! Earth to Harumi! Are you in there!? It's your move!"

"Sorry, Kafuka-san, being a Yaoi fangirl can make it difficult to concentrate on card games."

The two friends were spending their time by playing the hottest new card game around,_ Monster Wars_.

"I know exactly how you feel," Kaere added, "My status as the rude student can be a real stress for me! I'm thinking about changing it."

"Yeah," Kafuka replied, "So, my dad happens to have ownership over an extremely rare card. You wanna see it?"

"Of course!" Abiru replied.

"Groovy!" Kaera added.

"Sounds like fun!" Maria stated.

"Hey, bada-bing!" Harumi stated.

However, they had no idea about the fact that someone was listening in on their conversation. The overheard words were detected by the interested person sitting nearby.

_Rare card?_ the overhearer thought to herself, _Sounds like someone in this stupid country found an Blizzardstorm Dragon. I should check it out, even though I have to run a big gaming company_.

"Uh, Tsuruya?" a passing Kyon asked, "Aren't you supposed to be in a different school?"

"... RUN AWAY, NYORO~!!" Tsuruya took her leave, only leaving behind a trail of fire in her wake.

"... huh," Kyon thought to himself, "Strange... wait, did she just run fast enough to leave fire in her wake?"  
**  
MINUTES LATER...**  
_  
Entire school engulfed in flame. 5 dead, 3 injured. More news at eleven._

"Wow," Kafuka said, "Pretty flames."

"She's dumb enough just to admire the flames?!" Kyon noted.  
**  
AFTERWARD, ON THE WAY TO KAFUKA'S HOME...**

"So, you mean to tell me you live in a card game shop?" Abiru asked.

"Yep!" Kafuka responded, "Ever since my parents bought it after the insurance company got shut down."

"That must be an exciting life," Maria added.

"It is!" Kafuka replied.

As the group entered, they saw Kafuka's father. He looked about in his fifties and wore a bright orange bandana.

"Hey dad!" Kafuka yelled, "I'm home with friends, so can you show them that super-rare-awesome-chocolaty-fudge-coated-mega-super-card?"

"I don't see why not!" Kafuka's dad replied, "Here it is! Blizzardstorm Dragon!"

The card had great stats... but the artwork was more of a small chibi dragon then the fearsome beast they were expecting.

"That's the least threatening artwork on a card I've ever seen!" Nami noted, "What kind of dolt would want something that stupid looking?"

"This coming from the only normal girl in our class," Abiru snarked.

"Don't say 'Normal!'" Nami snarled at the girl in bandages.

"But she does have a point," Kaere noted, "Who'd want something that pathetic looking? It's cute and all, but for the stats, it just doesn't work."

"I'm here for that card!" A voice shouted. The group turned to...

"Tsuruya-san?" Maria asked, Even she had heard of the prestigious millionare girl, and she was an illegal immigrant.

"Uh-huh!" Tsuruya replied, "And I won't take no for an answer! Now, gimme the card!"

"No," Kafuka's dad replied.

"Curses! Foil'd!" Tsuruya turned for the exit, then looked over her shoulder, "I'm going to go hire some thugs to kidnap you now. I'm a billionaire, so nobody will even_ think _about pressing charges."

And with that, she disappeared into the world outside the door.

"World outside the door?" Abiru asked, "Geez, the guy who writes this stuff needs to get laid."

"Big time!" Kaere added.

Just then, they were struck by lighting.

* * *

"Hello! Game shop!"

"I kidnapped your father and dueled him to submission! So could you get over here and call an ambulance for him? I have far too much money and smoked cheese to be expected to do it myself."

And with that, Tsuruya hanged up.

"Wait," Nozomu Itoshiki said, "Who is this?"

"Hey, Zetsubou-Sensei!" Kafuka shouted, "Have you seen my dad?"

"Someone just called and claimed to have kidnapped your father," Mr. Itoshiki shrugged it off.  


* * *

_At Tsuruya's mansion..._

"DAD?!" Kafuka yelled, "Did you attempt to get taller again?"

"No," Kafuka's father groaned, "For some reason, playing a card game has caused me to become severely injured."

"My dad once killed several guys in the warzone, using a comic book," Abiru replied.

"So Tsuruya has a card game version of that skill?" Mr. Itoshiki asked.

"That's right! And now, watch this!" Tsuruya smiled, as she tore the man's prized card into two pieces, "AHAHA!"

"_**ZETSUBOUSHITA**_!" Mr. Itoshiki yelled, "The destruction of a card has left me in despair!"

"What the heck did you do that for?" Kaere asked.

"So that the card can never be used against me!" Tsuruya replied.

"Then why not rip up every card in the world?" Kafuka asked.

"SHUTUPANDDUELME!"

"Okay," Kafuka replied, "I'll duel you using my father's deck!"

"Wait a second!" Mr. Itoshiki asked, "He's been injured, so you're going to steal his deck and go play cards with your arch rival?"

"Yep," Kafuka replied as she took the card deck.

"No wonder your mother is never around!"

"Everyone!" Maria stated, "Gather round and I'll mark us with a special sign!"

"Why?" Abiru asked.

"To make sure Kafuka-san has our support!"

"And this sign is marked by...?" Kaere asked.

"With this!" Maria took out a marker.

"Isn't that a Sharpie?" Abiru asked again.

"Yep!"

"Why are you carrying that around?" Harumi asked.

"I'm a kleptomaniac," Maria explained, "I stole it from school."

"Hey, my wallet's missing!" Mr. Itoshiki noted.

"TSURUYA TOOK IT!" Maria pointed to the millionare.  


* * *

"So, Anything to say before I whoop your ass?" Tsuruya asked.

"Just this, Tsuruya..." Kafuka said, before her hair turned a chocolate color, her eyes turned amber, and her trademark enthusiastic smile was replaced by a smile of confidence. Her very personality was overwritten, and the new engima introduced herself by yelling, "**_It's time to Duel!_**"

"Wait..." Tsuruya squinted, "... Haruhi?"

"Yep!" Haruhi smiled, "Suzumiya's here to save the day!"

"Okay..." Tsuruya raised an eyebrow.

And with that, the duel began...

"Whoa!" Haruhi yelled, as what appeared to be a black knight appeared in front of her, "The deep magic exists!"

"Actually, they're just super-advanced holograms created for the sole purpose of enriching the experience of a children's card game!" Tsuruya smiled, "Awesome, no?"

"No, it's just plain stupid," Itoshiki noted, "Who wastes all their money on something like that?"

"The chick rich enough to afford THREE Blizzardstorm Dragons!" Tsuruya yelled, as she summoned three giant dragons.

"Whoa!" Harumi yelled, "The artwork didn't do the monster justice!"

"Wait," Chiri said, "Did she just..."

"When did you get here?!" Kaere asked.

"Not worth the effort of explaining," Chiri deadpanned, "Again, did she just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?"

"Yeah," Tsuruya said, "So?"

"That's improper following of the rules, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is."

An awkward silence followed.

"Aren't you going to say something about screws, rules, and money?" Abiru asked.

"No, why?"

"Part of the joke," Matoi explained.

"You were here?" Mr. Itoshiki asked.

"Yes, always," Matoi replied.

"SCREW THE JOKE, I HAVE CLASS!" Tsuruya yelled.

Everyone facepalmed.

"Anyway," Tsuruya turned to her opponent, "Now draw your last pathetic card, Haruhi, so I can finish you!"

"Kafuka-san's Father's deck HAS no pathetic cards, Tsuruya!" Haruhi shouted, "Except maybe for Churiboh... but it also has this! The unstoppable Mikuru-chan!"

"Mikuru-chan!?" Tsuruya screamed, as the ever-so-lovable girl unveiled herself on her field, wearing armor that looked like WarGreymon X's, "It's not possible! Nobody's ever been able to summon her!"

"Lemme guess," Haruhi said, "Because it's so rare?"

"No, it's because this game makes no sense. Nobody can figure out how to do it."

"Nobody except me!" Haruhi replied, "'Cause I'm God!"

"Who told you that?" Tsuruya asked.

Meanwhile, Kyon sensed a disturbance in the fabric of the universe.

Back with our heroes, Haruhi was thinking.

"Where was I?" She vocalized, "Oh yeah, the part where you get your butt handed to you!"

"Mikuru..." The armored girl said, as her eyes glowed a bright beam, "BEAM!!!!"

"What the fu-" Tsuruya managed to say before a beam of green light obliterated the dragons and her life points.

_**BOOM!!!**_

"AHAHAHAHA!" Itoshiki laughed... but then quickly composed himself.

"Big sister!" Tsuruya's little sister, Churuya yelled, "Is it time for my cameo yet?"  
**  
TYPICAL IGNORING!**

"Nyoro~n."

"How?" Tsuruya said, "Could? I? LOSE?!"

"If you wanna know," Haruhi smiled, "TALK TO THE HAND!!!"

Tsuruya then felt a sharp pain in her skull, then fainted.  


* * *

Kafuka's father awoke in the hospital.

"I wet myself," Kafuka's father lamented.  


* * *

"Light!"

"WHAT, RYUK?!"

"Tsuruya has been defeated."

"KNOCK NEXT TIME! Did you see anything?"

"No! I didn't see you making out with your picture of L again!"

"GOOD!"  


* * *

Read and review! and credit to superstarultra for the idea of Tsuruya as Kaiba.


	7. Chapter 7

_Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou_

"The Despair of Haruhi Suzumiya"

CHAPTER 7: Fifteen Dark Despairing Women Part 1

It was a hot day in Tokyo, back in 1983, and that day was when a call was made.

"Yes?"

"Detective?"

"Yes?"

"We require your help on a multiple homocide case."

"Serial Murders?"

"Yes, Detective Itoshiki."

Detective Itoshiki received the directions for the site, and then placed the phone on the holder.

"What is it, Sensei?" Itoshiki's assistant Matoi asked.

"A case at long last," Itoshiki smiled, "With this, we'll be able to pay the rent again."  


* * *

On the train to the small village, Detective Itoshiki saw... them.

Twelve young women. All dressed in black. His subjects in this case.

"I'm close," Detective Itoshiki thought.  


* * *

**_ONIBITO - RESIDENCE OF SAKEBU ITOSHIKI_**

"It's been a while," Inspector Kyon said.

"You're looking well, Inspector Kyon," Itoshiki replied, "Still, who would have thought you'd find a mansion like this up here in the mountains."

"You didn't know?" Kyon asked, "This mansion belonged to a great artist, Mr. Sakebu Itoshiki."

"Itoshiki?"

"Yes. The same surname as your own. The townsfolk call him 'Mr. Scream.'"

"Inspector?" A voice asked. The two turned to see...

The twelve women involved in the case.

"This, ladies," Kyon began, "is Detective Nozomu Itoshiki, a famous detective from Tokyo."

"Itoshiki?" One girl with straight black hair parted in the middle asked.

"Like your sensei," Kyon replied, "But no biological relation."

"I read all about you in the papers!" another girl said, "You've solved hundreds of cases, almost as many as L!"

"L-san and I are on a very similar level," Itoshiki noted, "But unlike him, I solve my cases hands on!"

"And almost every time, most of the involved persons are dead by the time you solve all. Isn't that right, Detective Despair?" a voice replied. It's owner walked into the room, a lanky man with incredibly bad posture.

"And you would be?" Itoshiki asked.

"Detective Ryuzaki," Kyon answered, "He's been sent to investigate by L."

"Nice to meet you, Ryuzaki," Itoshiki said politely.

"Likewise," Ryuzaki smiled.  


* * *

As the two looked at a portrait of Sakebu Itoshiki, Nozomu asked, "This is the mansion's owner?"

"Yes," Kyon's assistant Itsuki replied, "This Mr. Itoshiki was the guardian of fifteen young ladies, of which twelve are here."

Turning to the group, he saw their faces, holding solemn faces.

"Mr. Itoshiki lost his life to a chronic illness," Kyon added, "No doubt about that. Almost immediatly after his will was announced, three of the ladies were killed. The first victim was the quiet and timid Meru. The second was the exuberant Maria. The third, the... disturbed Ryoko."

"Disturbed?"

"She had a tendency to defend her friends pretty violently," Kyon replied, his eye twitching, "Anyway, the funny thing is, all three deaths appeared to be heart-attacks. The culprit is a complete phantom, but rumor has it that it was the work of the village's demon."

"Village's Demon?" Ryuzaki asked.

"A demon known only locally, and only as Kira," Another inspector, Light Yagami replied, "Not exactly the best lead."

"The will had a problem," Kyon added, "Upon turning 18, the fifteen young ladies, Kiri, Kaere, Chiri, Kafuka, Abiru, Harumi, Haruhi, Yuki, Mikuru, Ai, Mayo, Nami, Meru, Maria, and Ryoko, would have the estate divided evenly between them. In other words, as their number decreases, each individual's shares grows larger."

"Inspector!" Chiri spoke up, "Are you implying that one of us is the culprit?"

"Not exactly," Kyon replied, "It's the responsibility of the police to-"

"Accuse us of murders?!" Haruhi interrupted.

"What?" Kyon said, "No, we need to-"

"ANOTHER BODY!!" An officer busted in.

"Taniguchi," Kyon glared, "You should've knocked."  


* * *

Taniguchi was correct. Another body was found, this one of the close family friend Tsuruya. It seems that in her final moments, she wrote the words, "KIRA IS THE KILLER."

"Who could kill and make it seem like a heart attack?" Ryuzaki asked.

"I did it!" Ai yelled, "Curse my impure heart!"

"Okay," Detective Itoshiki said, "This was a short case."

"No," Ryuzaki said, "If you looked over the files the inspector emailed you, you'd find that she has a guilt complex, causing herself to accuse herself as any culprit."

"Case still open," Detective Itoshiki said.  


* * *

Will Itoshiki solve the case? Who is Kira? Stay tuned to find out! Hint: It isn't Light.

Read and Review!


	8. Chapter 8

_Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou_

"The Despair of Haruhi Suzumiya"

CHAPTER 8: Fifteen Dark Despairing Women Part 2

"I didn't do it!" Light yelled, "I swear!"

"You lie all the time," Ryuzaki noted, "How do I know you're not the killer?"

"Kira is the Killer," Light said, "Ring a bell?"

"True," Ryuzaki noted, "But do I know you're not Kira?"

"BOKU WA KIRA JANAI!" Light protested, "I'm not Kira!"

"He's RIGHT!" Chiri yelled, "I am Kira! I killed 'em all!!"

"Why?" Itoshiki asked.

"It's not a matter of anger," Chiri smiled, "Because this investigation isn't real."

"I knew it," Ryuzaki said, "This entire investigation has been the work of the infamous prank show called 'Pwn'd.' Nothing in this entire investigation has been real, not even the deaths."

"So, I came out here for nothing?" Itoshiki asked, "No money to pay my rent?"

"Not true!" Haruhi said, "We got together and raised 10,000,000 yen to help pay off your rent!"

"SWEET!!!" Itoshiki said.

"What about me?" Ryuzaki questioned.

"We also got you a fat free yogurt," Haruhi replied.

"Not bad."  


* * *

Itoshiki returned home, smiling. He had gotten enough to pay off his rent, so he had reason to.

"Ah, it's good to be back home," Itoshiki smiled.

He sat down, and began humming a song he didn't remember the name of.

"Rumba, rumba, rumba," He hummed.  


* * *

_Yes, I know, crappy conclusion. But, I couldn't think of a good ending for this, so, I am sorry._


	9. Chapter 9 and Special Announcement!

_Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou_

"The Despair of Haruhi Suzumiya"

CHAPTER 9: Madness? This is... DESPAIR!!!

"Harumi! Earth to Harumi! Are you in there!? It's your move!"

"Sorry, Kafuka-san, being a Yaoi fangirl can make it difficult to concentrate on studying."

"I know exactly how you feel," Kaere added, "My status as-"

"SHUT UP, KAERE," Haruhi deadpanned, "NOBODY LIKES YOU."

"But I was just saying my personal feelings," Kaere replied.

"Nobody cares!" Haruhi shouted.

"Did I really hurt people's feelings that much?"

"Yep!" Kafuka smiled.

"Does Itoshiki-Sensei despise me as much as you guys do?"

"Itoshiki's Mr. Despair," Haruhi explained, "He has no emotions other then the emotion that is Despair, but if he did have them then he would hate you so much! God, why do you exist?!"

"But I..." Kaere began, "I don't mean to be a bitch! It's just who I am."

"STOP EXISTING!!" Haruhi shouted.  


* * *

"I've defiled Meru-chan's 1/25th scale model of Mt. Rushmore!" Kyon, feeling a little rebellious, said, "Ain't I a stinker?"

"Kyon-san," Yuki said to her brown-haired human friend, "Why is it that you feel like you need to prank everyone in school?"

"I hate school," Kyon snarled, "Everyone here calls me the 'Deep-Voiced guy who's Haruhi's bitch.'"

"Perhaps if you try acting against Haruhi," Itsuki suggested, "You might be able to fix your reputation. And smoking isn't helping raise your voice."

"Screw you, man," Kyon replied, "I can quit anytime I want."  


* * *

"Today, we will be discussing the art of disguise," Mr. Itoshiki said, "And the best way to discuss an art is to try it. Everyone will be allowed to disguise themselves as another individual."

"HOORAY!!" Everyone except Meru cheered.

Kafuka stepped up, and with a wave of a hand she changed into...

"Haruhi," Itoshiki noted, "You disguised yourself as Haruhi."

"Sometimes I disguise myself in this fashion and spend hours just staring ahead," Kafuka smiled, "It gives me clarity of mind."

"Okay then," Itoshiki said, "Moving right along..."

Haruhi stepped up, and with a wave of a hand, she changed into...

"Yourself?" Itoshiki asked.

"Sometimes I disguise myself in this fashion and spend hours just staring ahead," Haruhi smiled, "It gives me clarity of mind."

Kyon sat up, and with a wave of a hand, he changed into...

"The girl named Kyonko!" Kyon(ko) smiled, blinking her (His?) eyes.

"That's awesome!" Itoshiki noted, "By the way, could it be possible to keep that form?"

"Why?" Kyonko asked.

"Because you have to clean Meru's Mount Rushmore in a maid costume," Itoshiki replied.

"DAMN YOU!!" Kyonko yelled.  


* * *

Kyonko spent the rest of the day cleaning the Mount Rushmore statue. In a maid costume. So far, the only thing she got accomplished was getting all the guys nosebleeds.  


* * *

"Hey, Kyon!" Ryoko Asakura yelled to Kyon, (Yep, he's a guy again) "I dare you to steal that giant scroll in Itoshiki's office."

"What's in it for me?" Kyon raised an eyebrow.

"I'll please you tonight," Ryoko winked.

"Hm..."

"Pack o' Smokes?"

"BITCHIN'!"  


* * *

"Kyon stole that giant scroll you keep in your office!" Ryoko yelled to Mr. Itoshiki, "I was there, but I couldn't stop him."

"Feh," Itoshiki sighed, "You woke me up from my dream that I'm an anime character."

"You are an anime character."

"I am? HOLY SH*T THAT'S AWESOME!"  


* * *

"HOW THE HELL DO I SMOKE THIS?!" Kyon asked himself.

"WHADAYA DOIN'!" Mr. Itoshiki yelled at him, "If you don't hand over the scroll, I'll confiscate your Saiyuki DVD's!"

"What do they have to do with anything?"

"I like Saiyuki," Mr. Itoshiki replied.

"But... that was out of place," Kyon noted, "It didn't seem like a joke or anything."

"I like Saiyuki," Mr. Itoshiki replied.

"Stop saying Saiyuki!"

"KYON!" Ryoko yelled, "Your mother never told you what happened to your father!"

"She told me enough!" Kyon yelled, "She told me... Wait, she never told me jack, what the hell happened to my father?"

"I killed him," Ryoko deadpanned.

"You what?"

"I killed him! And now, I'll kill you and see how Haruhi Suzumiya reacts."

"Wait, isn't that a little extreme?"

"You aren't supposed to argue. That's against the rules of all dimensions."

"SCREW THE DIMENSIONAL RULES! I HAVE AN ADDICTION TO CIGARETTES!"

Ryoko shrugged, then charged at Kyon with an oversized knife. And then, Yuki walked in between them.

**_BAM!_**

"Yuki!" Kyon yelled, "You alright?!"

"I'm fine," Yuki responded, despite a small bump sticked out of her hair.

"You don't look fine..." Kyon noted.

"I can't believe the madness that has ensued in this chapter!" Itoshiki yelled, "It's like this chapter winded up going absolutely nowhere! ZETSUBOUSHITA!"

"Yeah, but can I say something that will shock and awe you?" Matoi said.

"You were here?" Itoshiki asked.

"Yes. Always," Matoi replied, "And I have this to say - this has been all a dream!"

"So I don't have an unhealthy addiction to Cigarettes?" Kyon asked.

"Part of your dream," Matoi replied.

"So I didn't mess up Meru's statue of Mount Rushmore?" Kyon asked.

"Part of your dream," Matoi replied.

"So..." Kyon asked, "I didn't go to school, meet an eccentric girl, get dragged into her SOS Brigade, and meet an alien, esper and time traveler?"

"That actually happened," Matoi replied.

"And... this is the part where my dream goes nuts, right?"

"Yep."

Suddenly, the walls fell down, Everybody vanished, and Kyon was alone.

"Yep, Nightmare Time," Kyon muttered. A foot stepped nearby. Turning, he saw the most horrifying thing ever.

"Haruhi-Zilla!" Kyon gasped, as the 30-foot genki girl towered above him, "I knew she'd come for me!"

"If you think THIS is huge," Haruhi smiled, "You should see Tsuruya's ego. Now, bow down insubordinate, like the tiny little dog you are!"

Kyon noticed fur and dog ears growing out of his skin. His nose became a tiny black point.

"But I don't wanna be a furry!" Kyon whined.

"Shut up and bend over, Kyon!"

"Yes, Master," Kyon muttered, before bowing to his master.

And then he woke up.

"AHHH!!" Kyon screamed, "Ryoko! Knife! Scroll! Cigarette! Haruhi-Zilla! Furry!"

Everyone in the glass looked at him wide-eyed.

"Sorry," Kyon muttered, "Weird dream I had. Sorry."  


* * *

_Chapter 9.5: SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!!_

"Hi everyone! It's me, Haruhi!" Our little goddess said, "And this is our special announcement!"

"We're opening up a special contest," Zetsubou-Sensei added, "With an awesome prize!"

"What's the prize?" A random fan asked.

"The chance to write your own chapter!" Haruhi replied, "I'll be too busy running brigade duties to bother writing the next chapter! Somebody else do it!"

"Can I write the next chapter?" Another random fan asked.

"All of you can! You can send a short story to SubZeroGreymon via the Private Messenger, and if we like it, it moves on to the semi-finals! Then, if we REALLY like it, it'll move on to the finals, and if it's the best of them all, we'll post it as our next chapter!" Haruhi replied.

"What's in it for us?" Sasaki asked,

"For any fan of this little fic to get your name heard!" Haruhi replied, "Although it means 'Jail,' in your case."

"NO!!!" Sasaki yelled as she was dragged off by security guards.

"Wh0s3 dum eydia iz th15?" A random flamer asked.

"I don't know who, but he has some connection to Bill from accounting," Haruhi replied.

Suddenly, a random accountant fell out a window.

"Wa1t, wut ju5t happnd?" The flamer asked.

"I don't know," Haruhi replied, "It happened when I said 'Bill from accounting.'"

Suddenly, a random accountant fell out a window.

"1T H4PP3ND3D AGA1N!" the Flamer yelled.

"I'm in despair, for the death of Bill from Accounting," Itoshiki replied.

Suddenly, a random accountant fell out a window.

"DAMN YOU BILL FROM ACCOUNTING!!" Haruhi yelled.  


* * *

Anyway, Read, Review, and send in your fanfiction chapters to my Private message box! Or email, I don't care.


	10. Chapter 10

"Okay, since nobody has been giving any input to this chapter's content," Nozomu told the audience, "We have been forced to write what may be our most pathetic chapter. I hope you're happy."

_Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou_

_"The Despair of Haruhi Suzumiya"_

_CHAPTER 10: Chiri's got a club_

Haruhi could not believe her situation. Chiri had noticed that each club had a rivalry with another club, with the SOS Brigade being the sole exception. In an attempt to rectify this, she had created her own Brigade - _The **S**ole club to oppose the **M**adwoman Haruhi Suzumiya and **T**he stuff she does Brigade._ Otherwise known as the SMT Brigade. She had managed to get Kafuka, some guy with a receding hairline, and Meru to join her club, and now had come to enter Kyon in as the "traitor."

"Kyon," Chiri said, "You have to enter the club properly!"

"NO!" Kyon yelled, "I'm not entering this club! Haruhi would probably kill me first!"

"Chiri!" Haruhi shouted, "I am not allowing you to take Kyon! He's mine, mine, mine, ALL MINE!"

Chiri turned to her, and said, "Were you not expecting us to try and register one of your own?"

"I was expecting you to act as a rival to our activities," Haruhi noted, "But, I was not expecting you to barge in here and try to take Kyon, I wasn't expecting you to create a club to do so, and I certainly wasn't expecting an... Anti-SOS Brigade!"

Suddenly, four people in red cloaks ran in. One of them, Kyon recognized, was his good friend from Cram School...

"Sasaki?" Kyon asked.

_DUNNNNN!!!!_

"That's right!" Sasaki replied, "And nobody expects the Anti-SOS Brigade! Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear...fear and surprise..."

"Properly, that's TWO weapons," Chiri pointed out.

"Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency..." Sasaki caught that and started again, "Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to destruction - Wait, wait, Our four...no... Amongst our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again."

And so, Sasaki and the 'Anti-SOS Brigade' left.

"... As I was saying," Haruhi spoke up, as she locked out the door, "I wasn't expecting an Anti-SOS Brigade-"

The door fell down, as the Anti-SOS Brigade ran in again.

"NOBODY expects the Anti-SOS Brigade!" Sasaki proclaimed again," Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to destruction, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!"

Shaking her head, she turned to another member, a sneering blonde guy, and said, "Fujiwara, I can't say it - you'll have to say it."

"What?" Fujiwara asked.

"You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'' Sasaki clarified.

"No..." Fujiwara replied, shivering despite his confident tone, "I can't..."

"I'll do it!" a second member, a girl with pigtails, replied, "Our chief weapons are surprise, fear, ruthless efficiency, and stuff!"

"Kyouko," Sasaki said, "You fail at dramatic speeches."

"Well, why don't YOU try!" Kyouko retorted.

"Fine," Sasaki cleared her throat and began, "Our chief weapon is surprise... Blah blah blah blah blah! Kuyou! Read the charges!"

the final member, a short, black-haired girl, stepped forward and read a note, "You are _ Hereby charged _ with fraud by _ the Anti-SOS Brigade. How _ do you _ Plead?"

"Innocent!" Kafuka replied.

"HA!" Sasaki **diabolically laughed**.

"We'll soon change your mind about that," Fujiwara **diabolically acted**, shaking his fist.

"Kuyou!" Sasaki turned to her short, black-haired friend, "Tie her to a rack!"

Kuyou nodded, then grabbed Chiri and fastened her to her chest.

"Right!" Sasaki, who was looking another way, turned to her ally and said, "GIVE THE RACK-" Then, seeing what kind of rack Chiri was tied to exactly, Sasaki facepalmed, and said, "Give the rack ... a turn."

Kuyou turned to her captive, then replied, "I have _ no idea about _ how to perform that _ action-"

"I know you don't!" Sasaki shouted back, "I just wanted to ignore your crass mistake."

"Oh."

"Time for plan B. Confine them to the floor!"

Kuyou nodded, after untying Chiri from her chest. Suddenly, the foorboards shifted, wrapping around Kafuka's legs, the bald guy's legs, Meru's legs, and Chiri's legs.

"WHAT?!" Chiri shouted.

"Okay, now, you have one last chance!" Sasaki replied, "Confess to the crime of imitation, Confess to the crime of insulting, and you shall be free - THREE last chances, you have THREE last chances."

"We're still innocent!" Kafuka proclaimed.

"Fine!" Sasaki replied, "You have no chances, then! Fujiwara, Kuyou, Kyouko! Beta C plan!"

All three nodded, then took out some blue pillows. They then proceeded to poke the four with said pillows.

"CONFESS!" Sasaki yelled, "CONFESS!"

[[You expect us to confess from this?]] Meru texted.

"Not working!" Kyouko proclaimed.

"Have you got the stuffing to the points?" Sasaki asked.

"Affirmative," Kuyou replied.

"Hm..." Sasaki mused, "They're made of harder stuff. Fetch... the Comfy Chair."

_DUNNN!!!_

"The Comfy Chair?!" Fujiwara repeated, as if skeptical.

Sasaki nodded. Kuyou then formed a giant chair out of nothing, Seconds later would find the SMT Brigade seated inside it, with the Anti-SOS Brigade glaring at them.

"Confess," Sasaki demanded, "Confess... CONFESS!"

"I CONFESS!" Ai Kaga, who had somehow appeared in the room, "I did it! I'm SORRY! _Shimasen! Shimasen!_"

"_**NOT YOU!**_" Sasaki yelled at her. She then turned to Meru and said, "You only seem to text people. However, I would prefer a verbal confession."

Meru shook her head.

"Fine... Kuyou?"

Meru then felt her beloved cell phone removed from her fingers by a tentacle made out of hair. The tentacle then squeezed the cell phone, to the point where it snapped in two.

Meru gasped at this.

"Now, will you confess?" Sasaki asked.

Meru looked at her. However, something was different. Did her eyes just turn black?

Meru opened her mouth, but no words came out. It seemed more like this:

"MERU HUGUHFHSDNFD JLSJDLDFKCHSDKDSKJ DSJFLKJSDCNFLSK SDJ LJSDKFHJJJKFDSLHLKDSJD ,NSDJKHLFMNN,DH !"

Everybody covered their ears, protecting themselves from Meru's black speech.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Sasaki yelled.

"MHGJSHDFDSJ FSHDAFDUF DHJSKDSHSAM HDSKFSHERENDSZZHY HDKFBDSCUWEK ZIM HEENFDSGHJSDKF HJNDSBSDHASKAB JFKDSHBNNXCJCN LIGHT IS KIRA JSDFN FHJJSKDHFJDN FKLHGSLDFNCKDRHODS SDKDSLCMDKHDFN IM ONA BOUT!"

"FORGET THE CONFESSION!" Sasaki yelled, "RETREAT!!!"

The Anti-SOS Brigade ran out. Meru stopped shortly thereafter.

"Man," Meru spoke in a voice that was like a light steam, "That felt good!"  


* * *

Nozomu Itoshiki walked by when a short girl with long black hair ran up to him. The girl shouted, "DON'T GO _ IN THERE _ IF YOU _ VALUE YOUR LIFE!"

Then the girl ran off, flailing her arms above her head.

"Huh?" Nozomu asked.  


* * *

_This is what happens when you ignore me. This chapter was the result of me wanting to get the Anti-SOS Brigade into the picture, and reference Monty Python. Any similarity to superstarultra's "You've Been HaruhiRolled" is just pure coincidence. Honest._


	11. Chapter 11

_Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou_

_"The Despair of Haruhi Suzumiya"_

CHAPTER 11: Kyon in Wonderland

"Why does everything stupid happen to me?" Kyon asked himself, walking out of the school. He had just been through a horrible experience involving computers, Mikuru, photos, and books about parallel dimensions, a tale for another time.

As Kyon groaned, he noticed a white blur run nearby. Stopping, he looked as the blur stopped. It was non other then...

"ASAHINA-SAN?!" Kyon yelled in surprise.

Indeed, it was Mikuru Asahina... wearing a white bunny girl outfit, with dyed white hair, and wearing a red jacket. She was looking at a pocket watch with extreme impatience.

"I'm late, I'm late!" Mikuru stated to herself, "For a very important date! Gotta go, gotta go, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!"

Mikuru then ran off

Kyon, wanting to have a few questions answered, chased after her and shouted, "Asahina-san! Come back!"

Mikuru did not seem to hear as she kept going.

"Asahina-san!"

"I am not Asahina-san!" Mikuru snapped, turning around. "I am the White Rabbit! I am not this Asahina-san you speak of."

"Asahina," Kyon asked, "I think Haruhi's been messing with you too long! What's with the Bunny-Girl outfit?"

"It's called rabbit! Now be gone! I have a match to make!" And with this said, Mikuru hoped into a bush. Kyon stared after her, and, without second thought, ran in after her.

Once inside the bush, Dib began to think how stupid it had been to walk in after Mikuru.

"Who knows what she might be- AHHH!"

Kyon suddenly fell down a giant hole. Thinking quickly, he tried to find something to land on in order to stop his fall. Missed a ledge, Rock, stone, rock, rocking chair- Rocking chair?

Kyon looked around. It was a rocking chair. There was also a briefcase, a bookshelf, a gold pyramid necklace with the Eye of Wdjat on it, a dragon statue, and other random stuff Kyon didn't catch.

A book hit Kyon in the head. Removing it, Kyon examined the title. "Alice in Wonderland." Having no interest in a book written by a guy on an acid trip, he dropped the book immediately, which wasn't really a drop but more of a throw since it went into the air.  


* * *

"... 34 Bottles of Beer on the wall," Kyon sang to himself in an attempt to pass the time, "34 Bottles of-"

That's when Kyon hit the ground.

"OW!"

Opening his eyes, Kyon looked up. The area was an empty room, like a kitchen, in strange colors. Ahead was a door, with the visage of a girl on it.

"Curious," Kyon said to himself.

That's when the girl opened her eyes.

"AHHHH!!!" Kyon screamed. The door was alive! Fully living!

"Hi," the Door-Girl spoke, "My name is Misa-Misa."

"Um... Hi," Kyon replied, not used to talking with a door.

"I suppose you are going to pass this door," Misa-Misa said.

"I would, but I can't find the knob," Kyon deadpanned.

"It's right here," Misa pointed to a heart-shaped knob on the left side of the door.

"Oh, thanks," Kyon replied, grabbing the knob. He turned the knob, and opened the door. Stepping through, Kyon began one of the more unusual experiences of his life.  


* * *

"HOW THE HECK DID I GET HERE!?" Kyon yelled. Right now, he was stuck in a forest. How he got into the forest escapes him.

"I don't know what just happened," Kyon noted, "So I wonder, where should I go?"

"Depends on where you want to end up," a voice like a whisper replied.

Turning, Kyon saw the being that replied to him - A crescent shaped smile hanging eerily above a tree limb. That's right; no eyes, no nose, no ears, just a smile that widened gleefully at Kyon's surprise. He watched as a face began to come into focus around it, starting with a triangular shaped nose, then a pair of yellow eyes. Soon he found himself staring up at a rail-thin, gray creature with arcane tattoos all over it's body, and a tuft of black hair situated between its pointy ears.

"Y-you're a cat," Kyon stammered.

"My, aren't you the bright one," the feline grinned with bemused interest. "But I'm not just a regular cat. I am a Cheshire Cat. There's a difference."

"What is it?" Kyon asked.

"What's what?"

"The difference."

"... I don't really know..."

Kyon blinked, then stared at it quizzically.

"I like Funyuns," it said after a pause.

"So," Kyon spoke, "What brings you here?"

"I came of my own accord," the Cheshire Cat replied, "And I couldn't help seeing that you got lost."

"Okay," Kyon sighed, "First, I follow Asahina-san in a bunny suit, then I fall down a hole, then I talk to a door, and it replied back."

"Uh-huh," The cat nodded, "You fell down the rabbit hole, didn't you?"

"You could say that," Kyon nodded, "So, now the only thing that comes to mind is finding a good... destination, if you will."

"A good destination," the cat repeated, "isn't that our quest in life? We wander aimlessly through our existence, always searching for the path that will lead us to some sort of delusion of fulfillment, but all too often we are misled into a deep pit of despair with no hope of redemption."

"Dramatic," Kyon commented, "By the way, you act as if falling down a giant hole isn't that big a deal."

"It's been done before," the cat deadpanned, "By a girl named Alice."

"So the book wasn't complete nonsense," Kyon noted, "Right?"

"In a way, it is," the Cat replied, "Because, in a way, Alice created our world out of her imagination. The book helped us survive her own demise, but it changes with every interpretation. Only madmen would be able to come to our world... especially now."

"To be quite honest," Kyon retorted, "I think you've got it wrong. I'm no madman."

"Oh, but you are," the Cheshire Cat grinned even wider, "or you wouldn't be here."

"... if anything," Kyon snarled, "My friend **HARUHI'S** the madman - er... Mad_GIRL_. She probably created this dimension out of her interpretation of the book, and made me fall into it. Stupid god..."

"Can't help who you associate with," the Cheshire Cat said simply, "I think her insanity's rubbed off on you."

"What makes you think _**you're**_ mad?" Kyon smirked, hoping the Cat wouldn't know, and thus concluding that he wasn't mad.

The cat grinned even WIDER, and said, "I made the third opening for **_Goku Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei_**."

Kyon blinked, confused even further. The cat smiled at this.

"Good seeing you," Kyon said, "But, I gotta go."

Kyon then looked around, then muttered, "Great, Now I don't know where to go."

"If you want to know," The cat replied, "There's a friend of mine near here. If you want directions, you'll want to go that-a-way," it continued pointing with its tail down a path. "And DO enjoy your stay here!"

Then, it disappeared, his grin remaining until it vanished from sight.

Kyon, shrugging, then continued down the path.  


* * *

Kyon hadn't gone too far when he came upon a little house, though it was sand colored. He opened the door, and came across a very unusual sight.

A giant table, though it wasn't large enough to fill the entire room up. Two people sat at the table, drinking tea.

"Hey," one of the denizens, a blue-haired girl with green eyes, turned, "We've got a guest."

"Oh, goody," another, a white-haired being with bunny-ears replied.

"Uh, Hi," Kyon said, "I'm looking for a friend of the 'Cheshire Cat.'"

"I know him," a third, unseen denizen replied. Coming into Kyon's view was a darkish-skinned man, with an outfit consisting of a long purple cape with a gold chain at the front, a sleeveless black shirt and beige combats. He wore gold earrings, neckwear, armbands and bracelets all up his wrists. His white-blond hair is neatly arranged under a black fedora.

"Who the heck are you?" Kyon asked.

"I am known commonly as the Mad Hatter," the man replied, "Although I prefer to be called Marik."

"Okay, Marik," Kyon replied, "I just need to find Asahina-san. Have you seen her?"

"No, not at all," Marik replied, "What does she look like?"

"She's beautiful," Kyon replied, "Has long white hair, a pair of bunny ears..."

"Now, who does that sound like," the White-haired man replied.

"The queen?" the Blunette asked.

"Me, you moron!"

"... and calls herself the White Rabbit for some absurd reason," Kyon added.

The entire room quieted down.

"The white... Rabbit?" the white-haired man asked.

"Yeah, Why?" Kyon asked.

"She works for the Queen of Hearts," Marik said, venom dripping from every word, "A very enthusiastic girl who rules the kingdom with a semi-iron fist. One time, I sung a very good song, and she wanted me beheaded for it! I had to escape to the March Hare - I mean, Bakura's place, and I've been here ever since, sipping tea and giving riddles to my companions."

"Yes," the White Haired man - presumably Bakura, the March Hare - replied, "And the sad thing is, the other singer was worst then him."

"I've got a riddle!" the blue-haired girl shouted, "How's a raven like a writing desk?"

"I don't know," Bakura replied, "How is a Raven like a writing desk, Kona-Chan?"

"How the heck should I know?" Kona-Chan replied.

"So, where is this Queen?" Kyon asked.

"I'd rather not say," Marik replied, "I never want to see her again."

"But don't you at least want to help out someone?" Kyon asked, hopeful.

"You have no idea what that day did to me!" Marik snarled, as faint music began.

_"You see, she ruined my-i life, li-i-i-i-ife! she ruined my-i life! She'll kill you and steal your pants! You see, she ruined my-i life, li-i-i-i-ife! she ruined my-i life! She'll kill you and steal your pants!"_ Marik said in notes eerily similar to a song Kyon heard once. Bad Romance, or something.

_"She thought I sung bad,_

_She thought I was mad,_

_But when I'll have my vengeance, I'll be glad,_

_I'll kick her butt..."_

_"Butt-butt-butt, he'll kick her butt,"_ Kona-Chan chimed in.

_"She'll be sipping tea,_

_I'll be filling my map._

_And I'll try to avoid shopping at Gap,_

_The service sucks...."_

_"Sucks, sucks, sucks, the service sucks..."_

_"We know she'll hate you,"_ Bakura added, _"She'll probably dislike you, or probably want to get into your pants."_

_"Me and Bakura, we will have our revenge,"_ Marik sung, _"As the queen lets out her rants, Oh-ohhhh, Me and Bakura, we will have our revenge, as we also protect your pants! Oh-Ohhh-ooooh-oh-oh-oh..."_

Kyon quickly ran out of the house, then continued on his way. Turning, he saw White Rabbit Mikuru run by, yelling, "I'm late!!!"

"Wait!" Kyon began to pursue her, "Asahina-san!"  


* * *

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	12. Chapter 12

_Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou_

"The Despair of Haruhi Suzumiya"

CHAPTER 12: Kyon in Wonderland, Part 2 (AKA Crazier and Crazier)

"Great, I lost her again!" Kyon cried out, "Now what?"

Turning, he saw yet another weird sight - two statues. Both seemed to represent people of Chinese decent. One wore some sort of orange robe-thing, while the other wore an identical green outfit.

"What weird looking statues," Kyon remarked, making a face. "What are they doing out in the middle of the woods?"

To his surprise, both statues suddenly moved, performing dynamic backflips.

"Ho hah hah hah **_BACKFLIP__!_**" the Orange one proclaimed while backflipping.

"Ho heh hah hah Me Too!" The Green one added.

They stopped a short distance away, then looked at Kyon with overconfident looks.

"What is this?" Kyon asked, disbelieving.

"We are the brothers, Tweedle Para and Tweedle Dox!" the orange one replied.

"And we love wearing women's frocks!" the green one added.

"We are people that like to rhyme!" Orange added.

"In fact, we do it all the time!" Green rhymed with him.

"You may think it's rather crass," Orange commented...

"But you can stick that right up your nose!" Green added, oddly not rhyming.

"Nose doesn't rhyme with crass," Kyon replied.

"Great, his logic gives us no chance," Orange groaned.

"I'm not wearing any underpants," Green replied.

"That true, or are you just rhyming?" Orange asked.

"Didn't want to throw off our timing," Green answered, "But it is true."

Kyon then snuck off, a bit disturbed at those two morons.  


* * *

Further into the woods, Kyon had become tired of chasing White Rabbit Mikuru and decided to walk briskly.

"Now, let's review, this place is populated by talking cats, tea-sipping crazy people, and rhyming Chinese dudes," Kyon thought to himself, "Anybody think this sounds like a crazy freakshow of horror?"

Suddenly, a purring noise resonated from the trees. Looking up, Kyon saw an old friend, the Cheshire Cat once more.

"You again," Kyon groaned.

"Fancy meeting you here," The Cat commented, "I suppose you're on your way to the Queen's Match, as I am."

"... Right..." Kyon replied, "You know what? I'm just going to backtrack to when this shit all began and pretend it never- are those playing cards painting rose bushes?"

"Yep," The Cat answered.

Standing around one of the bushes were three, living, breathing playing cards. This would have been peculiar enough in itself, except the cards all looked like students from his school - Kafuka Fuura, who was the five of diamonds, and Chiri Kitsu, who was the two of spades, stood on the ground while the six of hearts resembling Tarou Maria Sekiutsu stood on a ladder. And just to make things even weirder, all three were busy painting the roses blue.

"Hey! Watch it Six, you almost got paint in my eye!" Chiri yelled and smacked Maria with her paintbrush.

"Sorry!"

"Um…'Scuse me," Kyon said, coming up next to the small group. "What're you doing?"

"We're ironing our underwear. Jeez, what's it look like we're doing?" Chiri snapped and dipped her brush in a paint bucket. "We're painting these roses."

"But… why?"

"Because someone (she shot a look at Maria as she said this) ordered white rose trees, but the Queen wanted blue ones, so now we have to fix them before she finds out."

"Queen?"

"Yeah, the Queen of Hearts. Sheesh, don't you know anything?" Maria replied, "If she ever found out about this, we'd be in deep trouble."

"Or not!" Kafuka replied, "She might like white better then blue anyhow!"

"Okay..." Kyon responded.

"MAKE WAY FOR THE QUEEN OF HEARTS!" someone yelled.

All of the Card Kids got down on the ground, bowing before the very queen herself...

"HARUHI?!" Kyon gasped.

Indeed, it was Haruhi. But like the card people, she was different from the Haruhi she knew. Instead of her usual school uniform, she had on a red floor-length gown with a poofy skirt and black hearts all over it. A heart-shaped pendant held a velvet cape in place, and her chocolate colored locks stuck out from under a huge gold crown with a big red heart placed at the tip, rather then the typical orange headband. She scanned the courtyard like a wolf hunting for prey, and her eyes happened upon the dripping roses.

"Hey!" Haruhi yelled, "I thought I said blue roses for my garden, and I see white roses smothered with blue paint! Someone must've fucked up big time!"

"It was him!" All three cards pointed at Kyon.

"HEY!" Kyon stumbled back.

"And just who are you?" Haruhi asked, strolling up to Kyon.

"It's ME, Kyon! Don't you know me?" he asked, hoping Haruhi would remembered

The Queen glowered at the stranger critically. "I've never seen you before in my life."

"Well I have," Mikuru suddenly appeared at her side. "This NUISANCE," she spat the word, "has been stalking me all day long! And he keeps insisting I'm this 'Asahina-san' creature!"

"White, behave yourself," a monotone voice spoke out. It's owner was a red-armored knight-girl, which resembled Yuki Nagato.

"Red Knight Yuki," Haruhi acknowledged her.

"Queen Haruhi," Yuki responded, "and who is this?"

"My stalker, apparently," Mikuru shot a look at Kyon.

"So, Mikuru-chan," Haruhi turned to her, "Have you anything to report?"

"Howaito didn't act against us," Mikuru responded, "But Akaruhi seems to be preparing for something. On the way here, I fell into another plane, where this... (She looked at Kyon) FREAK came from."

"I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this," Haruhi turned to Kyon, "I think he's handsome."

"What...?" Kyon replied, as he wasn't used to this sort of thing.

"AH COME ON!" A Six of clubs that looked like Taniguchi yelled.

"You actually think that?!" the Knave of Hearts, Itsuki, responded, "Great."

Then, out of nowhere, a huge explosion opened up the wall that hadn't been there before, followed by a bunch of EVIL card soldiers storming the place. And in the lead was a red-haired version of Haruhi with pasty white skin.

"OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!" Red-Haired Haruhi screamed, "OFF WITH THEIR STINKING, BORING HEADS!"

"Oh, great," Kyon smacked his forehead in pity. Could this day get any worst?

TO BE CONTINUED...


End file.
